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We've walked through all four levels of listening:Level 1: Listening to Respond (defending yourself)Level 2: Listening to Understand (managing your anxiety)Level 3: Listening to Feel (staying present with her emotions)Level 4: Listening to Connect (creating intimacy together)Today, we want to show you what changes when you finally get this right.&nbsp;THE TRANSFORMATIONHere's what most men don't realize:Your wife isn't difficult.Your marriage isn't broken.You've just been listening from the wrong place.You've been listening to protect yourself.And you can't protect yourself AND connect with her at the same time.It's one or the other.When you're in defense mode, she feels it.When you're filtering her words through your anxiety, she knows.When you're waiting for her to stop talking so you can fix it, make your case, or end the discomfort—she can tell.And that's why nothing you've tried has worked.Not because you're doing it wrong.But because you're doing it from self-protection.&nbsp;Here's what changes when you move through the levels:At Level 1, every conversation felt like a battle you had to win or survive.At Level 2, you thought understanding her words would be enough. It wasn't.At Level 3, you learned to stay present with her emotions without needing to fix them.At Level 4, you discovered that listening isn't about managing her—it's about meeting her.And that's when everything shifts.&nbsp;Because here's what happens:When you stop defending, she stops attacking.When you stop trying to fix her feelings, she stops feeling like a problem you need to solve.When you stay present instead of running, she finally feels safe enough to soften.The intimacy you've been missing wasn't on the other side of better communication.It was on the other side of your willingness to stop protecting yourself.&nbsp; And I need you to understand something:This isn't about becoming a better listener so she'll finally be happy.This is about becoming the kind of man who can be fully present—with her, with himself, with life—without needing to control, fix, or avoid what he's feeling.This is about your wholeness.Because a man who can't stay present with his wife's pain is a man who's still running from his own.A man who defends himself in every conversation is a man who hasn't healed the parts of himself that still feel under attack.And a man who can't hold space for his wife's emotions is a man who hasn't built the capacity to hold his own.So this work isn't just for your marriage.It's for you.When you do this work, here's what becomes possible:Conversations that used to end in silence or slammed doors become moments of real connection.The emotional distance between you starts to close.She stops testing you to see if you'll stay, because she finally knows you will.You stop walking on eggshells, because you're no longer afraid of her emotions.The resentment that's been building for years starts to dissolve.And the intimacy you've been craving—the kind that goes deeper than physical closeness—finally becomes real.Not because you learned the right thing to say.But because you became the kind of man who doesn't need to say anything.You just stay.Grounded. Present. Open.And that changes everything.&nbsp;Here's the truth:Most men will read this series and do nothing.They'll agree with it. They'll recognize themselves in it.But they won't do the actual work.Because doing the work means facing the parts of themselves they've been avoiding.It means sitting with their own discomfort instead of running from it.It means admitting that the way they've been showing up hasn't been enough.And that's hard.But you're not most men.You're here because you know something has to change.You're here because you're tired of feeling disconnected from the woman you love.You're here because you're ready to stop protecting yourself and start showing up.And that readiness is everything.Because once you see what's really happening—once you understand that your defense mechanisms are the barrier, not her emotions—you can't unsee it.And you can't keep doing what you've been doing.&nbsp;So here's what we want you to do:Go back through this series.Identify which level you're operating from most of the time.Notice when you slip into defense mode.Notice when you're filtering her emotions through your own anxiety.Notice when you're just trying to make it stop instead of actually being with her.And then do the work to build capacity.Work with your own trauma.Learn to regulate your nervous system.Practice staying present with your own emotions so you can stay present with hers.Because this isn't about tips and tricks.It's about transformation.And transformation requires you to go deeper than you've ever gone before.Your wife is waiting for you.Not the perfect version of you.Not the version that never makes mistakes.She's waiting for the version of you that can stay.Even when it's hard.Even when she's emotional.Even when you don't have the answers.She's waiting for you to stop defending yourself long enough to actually see her.And when you finally do, everything changes.Be exceptional,&nbsp; Annette &amp; Ben Thrivono Coaching

Why You Can't Actually Hear Your Wife Series: Day 6- The Transformation

We've covered three levels so far:Level 1: Listening to Respond (pure self-protection)Level 2: Listening to Understand (sophisticated self-protection)Level 3: Listening to Feel (staying present with her emotions without needing to fix them)Today, we arrive at Level 4.This is where intimacy lives.&nbsp;LEVEL 4: LISTENING TO CONNECTAt this level, you're no longer listening to defend yourself, understand her cognitively, or even just feel with her.You're listening to CREATE something together.You're listening for the deeper truth beneath her words.Not just what she's saying.Not even just what she's feeling.But what she's really asking for in this moment.What part of her is reaching out.What she needs to feel seen, known, and safe with you.Here's the shift:At Level 3, you learned to stay present with her emotions without running away.That's powerful. That's necessary.But Level 4 goes deeper.Because now you're not just witnessing her experience.You're participating in it.You're co-creating an emotional space where she can be fully herself—messy, raw, vulnerable—and know that you're not going anywhere.You're not just staying in the room with her pain.You're actively holding space for her wholeness.&nbsp;Here's what this looks like in real time:She says: "I feel like you don't see me anymore."At Level 1, you'd defend: "What are you talking about? I see you every day."At Level 2, you'd validate: "I hear that you're feeling unseen."At Level 3, you'd feel with her: "That must be really lonely." (And you'd actually let yourself feel the weight of that loneliness.)At Level 4, you listen for what she's really asking for underneath those words.She's not asking you to argue about whether you literally look at her.She's asking: "Do you still care about who I am? Do I still matter to you?"And you respond not to her words, but to her heart:"I want to see you. Tell me what I'm missing."&nbsp;This is where connection happens.Because you're no longer defending.You're no longer managing her emotions so you can feel better.You're not even just being present.You're inviting her deeper.You're opening the door for her to show you the parts of herself she's been afraid to share.The parts she's been testing to see if you can handle.The vulnerability she's been protecting because she wasn't sure you'd stay.And when you meet her there—calm, grounded, open—everything changes.&nbsp;But here's what makes Level 4 possible:You've done the work at Levels 1-3.You've identified your defense mechanisms.You've stopped filtering her emotions through your anxiety.You've healed enough of your own trauma that her pain doesn't trigger your protection mode.You've built capacity.Capacity to hold her emotions without collapsing.Capacity to stay curious instead of defensive.Capacity to see her struggles not as attacks on you, but as invitations to know her more deeply.And when you have that capacity, listening becomes something entirely different.It's no longer a skill you're performing.It's an act of love.&nbsp;At Level 4, you're listening for:What she needs, not just what she's saying.Is she asking for reassurance? For you to just be still with her? For you to take action? For you to acknowledge something you've been avoiding?What's underneath the emotion.Her anger might be covering fear. Her silence might be protecting hurt. Her criticism might be a plea for closeness.How you can serve her in this moment.Not by fixing. Not by rescuing. But by showing up as the man she needs you to be right now.&nbsp;And here's what happens when you listen at this level:She softens.Because she finally feels like you GET her.Not because you said the perfect thing.But because you were fully present.Because you weren't thinking about yourself.Because you weren't waiting for the conversation to end.You were WITH her.And that's what she's been asking for all along.This is the intimacy you've been missing.Not because you don't love her.But because you've been listening from self-protection instead of connection.And you can't connect with someone you're defending yourself against.Next, we'll wrap this series with what it looks like when you finally get this right.The transformation that's possible when you move from protection to presence.&nbsp;When was the last time you listened to your wife without needing anything from her in return?Be exceptional,Annette &amp; Ben

Why You Can't Actually Hear Your Wife Series: Day 5-LEVEL 4: LISTENING TO CONNECT

The first two levels of listening are about self-protection.Level 1: You defend, fix, flee, or shut down.Level 2: You understand her words, but you're still filtering everything through your own anxiety.Both are focused on managing YOUR discomfort.Today, we're crossing into different territory.Level 3 is where most men have never been.And it's where everything changes.&nbsp;LEVEL 3: LISTENING TO FEELThis is the level where you stop trying to understand her cognitively.And start letting yourself actually FEEL with her.Not fix her feelings.Not manage her feelings.Not even validate her feelings from a distance.Feel WITH her.Here's what that means:When she's hurt, you let yourself feel the weight of that hurt without rushing to make it go away.When she's angry, you stay present with the fire of that anger without defending yourself.When she's scared, you meet her in that fear without needing to immediately reassure her that everything's fine.You stop treating her emotions like a problem to solve.And start experiencing them as an invitation to connect.&nbsp;Here's what this looks like in real time:She says: "I feel so alone in this marriage."At Level 1, you would've defended: "How can you say that? I'm right here."At Level 2, you would've validated: "I hear that you're feeling alone."At Level 3, you let her words land in your body.You feel the ache of what she just said.You don't rush to fix it or explain it away.You stay with her in it.You might say something like:"That sounds really painful."And then you stay quiet. You stay present. You let her feel what she needs to feel.You're not performing empathy.You're not "doing" compassion to get the conversation over with.You're actually allowing her emotional experience to touch you.&nbsp;This requires something most men have never learned:The ability to stay regulated in your own body while being present to someone else's pain.And here's why that's so hard:Her pain triggers YOUR pain.Her loneliness touches the loneliness you've been avoiding in yourself.Her anger stirs the rage you've suppressed since childhood.Her fear activates the terror you learned to numb decades ago.So you've spent your whole life learning NOT to feel.You learned to intellectualize. Rationalize. Problem-solve.Anything but actually FEEL.Because feeling meant overwhelm. Feeling meant losing control. Feeling meant being vulnerable in ways that didn't feel safe.But here's the truth:You can't connect with your wife if you're terrified of feeling.And you can't be present to her emotions if you're still running from your own.&nbsp;This is where the real work lives.Not in communication techniques.Not in repeating back what she said.But in healing the parts of you that learned emotions were dangerous.When you can stay present in your own body—regulated, grounded, whole—you can finally stay present with hers.You're not afraid of her tears because you're not afraid of your own.You're not threatened by her anger because you've made peace with your own.You're not overwhelmed by her pain because you've learned to hold your own.And that changes everything.Because now, when she's emotional, your nervous system doesn't perceive threat.It perceives opportunity.An opportunity to be WITH her in a way she's been asking for all along.&nbsp;But here's what you need to understand:Level 3 isn't something you can fake.You can't perform "feeling with her" while internally you're still bracing against her emotions.She'll know.Because she can feel the difference between a man who's pretending to be present and a man who actually IS present.The difference is whether YOU'VE done the work.Whether you've addressed your own trauma.Whether you've healed the parts of you that are still protecting that younger version of yourself who learned feelings weren't safe.Whether you've built the capacity to hold your own emotions so you can hold space for hers.You can't give her presence if you don't have presence to give.And you can't have presence if you're still running from yourself.This is why "communication tips" don't work.Because the issue isn't what you're saying.It's whether you're grounded enough in your own being to actually stay in the room when her emotions show up.Next up we'll show you Level 4.Where her emotions stop being something you tolerate.And become the doorway to the intimacy you've been missing.&nbsp; What are you still protecting yourself from feeling?Be exceptional,&nbsp;Annette &amp; Ben

Why You Can't Actually Hear Your Wife Series: Day 4- LEVEL 3: LISTENING TO FEEL

In day 2 of this series we talked about Level 1: Listening to Respond.Where you're not actually listening—you're just defending, fixing, fleeing, or shutting her down.Today, we're moving to Level 2.This is where most communication advice stops.And where most men think they've solved the problem.They haven't.&nbsp;LEVEL 2: LISTENING TO UNDERSTAND"Just listen to her. Repeat back what she said. Validate her feelings."You've heard this before.And yes, this is better than Level 1.At Level 2, you're actually trying to comprehend her words instead of just defending yourself.You're making an effort to hear her perspective.You might even say things like:"So what I'm hearing is..." "It sounds like you're feeling..."You feel good about yourself because you're "doing the work."You read the books. You practice "active listening." You validate.But here's the problem:You're still making it about you.Even when you're "listening to understand," you're filtering everything through:How does this affect ME? What does this mean about ME? How do I make sure I'm not the bad guy here? She says: "I feel disconnected from you."You hear: "You're failing as a husband."And even if you don't defend out loud, internally you're thinking:"But I'm doing everything right. What more does she want?"You're listening to understand her experience, but only so you can manage YOUR anxiety about it.You're listening so you can:Make sure you're not to blame Figure out how to fix it so she stops feeling this way Prove you're still a good husband despite what she's sayingYou're still in protection mode.Just a more sophisticated version of it.And here's what makes Level 2 especially tricky:You think you're doing the work.But she can feel that you're not actually WITH her.She can feel that you're managing the conversation instead of being in it.Because underneath your "good listening," you're still asking:"How do I make this stop so I can feel okay again?"And that question—that need for her emotions to change so YOU can be comfortable—is exactly what keeps you stuck.It's why she says:"You're not actually hearing me."Even when you're doing everything the communication books told you to do.Because Levels 1 and 2 are both forms of self-protection.One is just more polite than the other.The real shift happens at Level 3.Where you stop listening to manage your own discomfort.And start listening to actually be with her.We'll show you what that looks like on the next post.&nbsp; Can you listen to your wife without needing her words to be different, her emotions to be smaller, or her experience to validate that you're doing it right?﻿﻿Be exceptional,&nbsp; Annette &amp; Ben

Why You Can't Actually Hear Your Wife Series: Day 3-LEVEL 2: LISTENING TO UNDERSTAND

Most men think they're good listeners.They're not.They're just waiting for their turn to talk.On day 1 of this series we explained why you can't actually hear your wife when she gets emotional—your nervous system perceives threat and kicks into survival mode.Today, let's talk about what that survival mode actually looks like in conversation.This is Level 1 of listening.And if you're honest with yourself, you'll recognize you live here.&nbsp; LEVEL 1: LISTENING TO RESPONDThis is where most men spend 95% of their conversational life.You're not listening to understand her.You're listening for:Where she's wrong so you can correct her What you need to defend so you can protect your position What you can fix so you can make this conversation end When you can interrupt so you can redirect or shut this down Here's what this looks like in real time:She says: "I feel like you're never really present with me anymore."You hear: "You're failing. You're not enough. You're doing something wrong."And before she's even finished her sentence, your brain is already crafting your defense:"I work 60 hours a week to provide for this family." "I was literally sitting right next to you last night." "What more do you want from me?"You think you're responding to what she said.You're actually responding to the threat you felt.The four protection mechanisms show up here:Defend: "That's not true. I'm here right now, aren't I?"Fix: "Okay, what do you want me to do? I'll put it on the calendar."Flee: Silence. Stonewalling. Walking away. "I can't talk about this right now."Shut her down: "You're being dramatic." "Here we go again." "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you."All of these responses have one thing in common:They're about YOU.Your discomfort. Your need to be right. Your need to avoid shame. Your need to escape the feeling her words triggered.You're not listening to her.You're listening to the alarm bells going off inside your own body.And here's what's underneath that:Unresolved trauma from your past.Maybe you grew up with a parent whose emotions felt dangerous, so you learned to shut down or fix to survive.Maybe you were shamed for being "too sensitive," so now any emotion—yours or hers—feels like weakness.Maybe you learned that being wrong meant being worthless, so you can't let her be right without feeling like you're collapsing.This isn't about her.This is about what got wired into you a long time ago.And until you address it, you'll keep protecting yourself from the very person you say you want to be close to.Next, Iwe'll show you Level 2.Where most men think they've figured it out.But they're still stuck in the same pattern—just with better vocabulary.&nbsp; Which of the four protection mechanisms (defend, fix, flee, shut down) do you default to when your wife gets emotional?Be exceptional,&nbsp;Annette &amp; Ben

Why You Can't Actually Hear Your Wife Series: Day 2-Level 1 - Listening to Respond

<h3>Why You Can't Actually Hear Your Wife. Day 1 of 6</h3>Your wife is trying to tell you something.But your nervous system won't let you hear it.Here's what's actually happening when she starts to share something emotional:Her tone shifts. Her energy changes. Maybe her eyes well up.And within milliseconds, your body registers: threat.Your heart rate increases. Your chest tightens. Your brain starts scanning for the exit.You're not consciously choosing this. Your nervous system is doing what it was trained to do a long time ago: protect you from emotional overwhelm.So you do one of four things:Defend. You explain why she's wrong, why it's not that bad, why she's misunderstanding.Fix. You jump to solutions before she's even finished talking. Because if you can solve it, you can make the discomfort stop.Flee. You shut down. Stonewall. Go quiet. Leave the room. Check your phone.Shut her down. "You're overreacting." "Here we go again." "Can we not do this right now?"All four are the same response underneath: I can't handle what you're feeling, so I need to make it stop.Here's what most men don't realize:You think you're having a communication problem.You're actually having a nervous system regulation problem.You can't listen when your body believes her emotions are a threat to your survival.And here's the part that makes this even more complex:Her nervous system is dysregulated too.She's got her own unhealed trauma. Her own protection patterns. Her own survival response that's been running for years.Maybe she's in fight mode—coming at you with criticism and blame.Maybe she's in flight mode—withdrawing, shutting down emotionally.Maybe she's in freeze—completely numb, going through the motions.Understanding this changes everything.When you realize her reaction isn't actually about you, you stop taking it so personally.And when you stop taking it personally, you can stay grounded instead of getting pulled into the chaos.But here's what doesn't change:You still have to show up differently.Her dysregulation doesn't give you permission to shut down, defend, or dismiss.It actually requires you to be MORE regulated, MORE grounded, MORE present.Because someone has to break the cycle.And she's not looking to you because she can't do it herself.She's looking to you because the deepest part of her is asking: Can you hold this with me?The question isn't whether she should calm down first.The question is: Can you stay present with her emotions without needing them to change?Most men can't.Because they're listening from a place of need.They need her to stop crying so they can feel okay. They need her to agree so they can feel validated. They need her to calm down so they can avoid their own discomfort.When you're listening from need, you can't actually hear her.You can only hear the noise of your own internal chaos.Over the next five posts, we're breaking down the four levels of listening.Most men never get past level one.And it's costing them the intimacy they say they want.&nbsp; If your wife described what it's like to talk to you about something emotional, what would she say?Be exceptional,&nbsp;Annette &amp; Ben

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